The Third Story

There are two sides to every story and as the Queen of England famously observed - recollections may vary.

In a conflict, each person involved is convinced of the superiority of their own opinion and it can be difficult to see alternative points of view.

To gain perspective, it can help to imagine that you are an impartial observer looking at a recording of events. This method is called the third story as you’re attempting to see the situation from an outsider’s viewpoint.

Authors Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen explain the necessity for the third story mental model in their book Difficult Conversations: 

“The key is learning to describe the gap—or difference—between your story and the other person’s story. Whatever else you may think and feel, you can at least agree that you and the other person see things differently.”

By imagining yourself as a neutral arbiter you can increase your empathy for others and gain a clearer view of the situation at hand. 

Having a frame of reference for how others see the world, especially when you do not agree, puts you in a stronger position to negotiate and in some cases can disarm those who oppose you.

This is demonstrated by one of the most famous diplomats of all time - Madeleine Albright. Her life experiences under the Iron Curtain gave her an advantage in being able to appreciate where her opponents were coming from. When asked the secret to her success she answered:

“I do believe that in order to be a successful negotiator that as a diplomat, you have to be able to put yourself into the other person's shoes. Unless you can understand what is motivating them, you are never going to be able to figure out how to solve a particular problem.”

Knowing your own limits and trying to see the world as others do puts you in a stronger position not only for getting what you want but appreciating the reality of a situation.