A Hostage Negotiator Shares His Secrets To Influencing Others
“He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”
Fans of the movie Die Hard won’t have trouble recalling the challenge the NYC cop John McClane has negotiating with the terrorist Hans Gruber, a German criminal mastermind who holds an office building hostage to steal $640 million in bearer bonds.
We hope you’re never put in this position, but that doesn’t mean learning to be a better negotiator is a waste of time.
Fortunately, we recently had the privilege of recording a 42courses podcast with Nigel Taberner, a former hostage negotiator turned expert speaker.
During our conversation, he shared some helpful lessons from his ten years as a negotiator.
What struck us most was how applicable these lessons are to leadership, persuasion, and daily interactions.
We’re always negotiating something, even if it’s as mundane as deciding who picks up the kids from school.
Here are five key takeaways that resonated with us that we’d love to share with you:
1. Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
One of Nigel’s standout points was the importance of truly listening.
In high-stakes negotiations, listening is not just about hearing words; it’s about picking up on tone, hesitation, and what’s left unsaid.
For leaders and communicators, this means creating space in conversations to fully understand before jumping in with solutions.
Ask yourself: Am I listening with curiosity or waiting for my turn to speak? It’s surprising how often it’s the latter.
2. Empathy is a Superpower
Nigel’s experiences emphasise that empathy isn’t about agreeing with someone but acknowledging their perspective.
He says, “When people feel understood, they’re more likely to work with you, not against you.”
Whether in a business setting or a difficult personal conversation, leading with empathy can diffuse tension and build trust.
Without trust, you have no foundation to negotiate.
3. Clarity is Kindness
In negotiations, ambiguity breeds distrust.
Even when delivering difficult messages, Nigel highlighted that transparency shows respect for the other person.
It’s a reminder that avoiding tough conversations often does more harm than good. Much like a wound, the longer you leave something to fester, the worse it gets.
As a leader, clarity in your intentions and actions fosters confidence and aligns expectations.
4. Master the Power of Silence
One of the more surprising techniques Nigel discussed was the deliberate use of silence.
Silence can encourage others to reveal more or reconsider their stance in negotiations. This is because humans find silence awkward and will often say something just to avoid it.
In our noisy, fast-paced world, a thoughtful pause can be more persuasive than filling the space with words.
Next time you’re in a discussion, try leaving room for silence and see how the dynamic shifts.
5. Preparation is Non-Negotiable
Nigel’s meticulous preparation for negotiations is a lesson in itself.
He’s not just prepared with facts but a deep understanding of the other party’s motivations, fears, and objectives.
It’s a powerful reminder that ‘winging it’ rarely leads to success—whether you’re stepping into a boardroom or a tough conversation.
Creativity plays a role in this. If you know who you’re up against and what they want, there is always the possibility of satisfying the interests of both sides with a creative solution.
This podcast was a handy reminder that great communication isn’t about dominating a conversation but creating a connection.
Nigel’s approach to negotiation has lessons we can all take into workplace leadership and personal relationships.
The principles above are universally valuable.
Whilst we’re on the topic, one of the best books on negation we’ve read is Never Split The Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It by Chris Voss.
To hear more of Nigel’s insights and stories, you can listen to the episode on the 42Courses podcast or watch it on YouTube.
